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Sunday, March 28th, 2004
2:18 am - Taboo (edit)
Actually, I should probably up that number from 13-14 to 14-15, or change the number of times to number of different people..

*shrug*

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Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
10:32 pm - Doom.
I've decided that the 'Indifferent' emoticon is too smiley.

current mood: discontent

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10:29 pm - Taboo
I noticed just now that I still have an impulse to look away from kissing and sex on TV, ingrained in me from childhood.. This is particularly ironic, considering that, if I really were to count all the times I was kissing, making out, or performing some other kind of sexual act in my life, and divide it at, say, age 13 or 14, I suspect that the majority of this would be while I was still a child..

current mood: indifferent

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10:23 pm - Emoticons, and LogJam
LogJam is a Linux client for LiveJournal. But it doesn't show the emoticons, and the blank one was a little too frowny for my taste, so I'm trying the indifferent one.

current mood: indifferent

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10:18 pm
So, yeah. I s'pose I ought to mention that I have plans to go to New Orleans, a place which I particularly like. This should happen sometime mid-may. There I figure I will soak in obscure thought patterns, as I usually do, but get paid for translating this into potentially meaningful information for people - I.e., I'm planning on reading cards on the square. :-)

current mood: blank

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Saturday, March 6th, 2004
4:27 pm
I don't think I'm going to reproduce unless life gets a lot more interesting.  I mean, I really don't want to describe to a kid exactly why I contributed to bring it into an uninteresting reality.

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Sunday, February 29th, 2004
7:53 am
I'm all forests and oil.

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Saturday, February 21st, 2004
8:25 am - I don't know why I have a Live Journal
You know, I'm not really sure why I have a Live Journal.  ...or, why I bothered to download a program specificly for posting to LJ, when I don't really post much.  I don't even read much. ..of anything.  I was reading the free book by what's-his-name that Kest had read and reviewed, but, that was on the Palm Pilot, and I haven't been using that much recently.

..and that's another thing.  I  1:downloaded software from the internet, and 2: to the palm (which took some setting up)  then 3: downloaded the book from the internet and 4:to the palm, after which I read half of it and haven't looked at it since.  I don't like reading much anymore.  I think I only think and watch people these days, and drink coffee, and talk.  ..and think.

So, someone posed a question somewhat like "What would you do if you had a deadly, curable disease that gave you some kind of superpower, or some special ability?  Would you keep it?"  ..mebbee that was a star trek episode or something.

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Thursday, February 5th, 2004
3:07 pm - We are all Dystopik Snomen.
dystopia
n 1: state in which the condition of life is extremely bad as
from deprivation or oppression or terror [ant: utopia]

snowman
n : a figure of a person made of packed snow

I am a playground.

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6:28 am - Odd Dreams
So, I had a really long dream, with a friend o' mine in it. I had a job, working with her father on some server project. I was at his house, working with him, when I found a potential problem in how we were doing the install, but which wouldn't hinder the installation, though he was acting really frustrated because he might have to send a bunch of techs out to all of the install sites. Eventually, he bumped the decision over to me, but I wanted to talk with his daughter (my friend), so I said "Well, let's give it about five minutes and then we can go."
So, I made my way over to her room, and she was telling me about how she'd tried so hard not to love herself, but that eventually she just found it breaking out from within. I really loved her, and had been aware of the whole process, and been a part of why she couldn't get rid of the love, but I didn't know how to tell this to her without it all being awkward, and me having a lot of explaining to do (such as how I could just be in her head). Anywho, after quite a bit of talking, we both felt quite drunk, (including loss of motor function), and I swung my arm over so it was laying on her, but it felt rather dead, or drunk, or something, and I said either "I love you" or "I'm really drunk" or both. This wasn't an attempt to hit on her, it was more of an attempt to let her know stuff. But mostly, it was a bad, drunken, half-assed attempt. Oh, and, incidentally, we both knew that the drunkenness wasn't from having consumed anything, it was just because we were very tired (though she was less drunk than I) and that if we got up for a bit and got moving, it would go away.
Anywho, she decides at this point that she wants to show me her breasts, which I like, and want to touch, but don't because I don't really have time (and her door's open, which is an issue to me at that point). She mentions that they're fake, and I was completely shocked, and also mentioned that they didn't look really big for being fake. She was really surprised that I didn't know they were fake, and we both did the "really?!" "Really, you didn't know?!" thing back and forth a couple rounds. So, I've spent about an hour or hour and a half with her, kindof relying on her Dad to come get me when he was ready to go, which he didn't do. I had been somewhat mindful that I was late, but didn't really care since he hadn't oome to get me, and since he was my boss, technically his bad.
So, after that, she got up for a bit, and her little greyish-brownish-white (just kindof grungy white looking) dog bites me, attatching itsself to my leg. I kinda shake my leg until the dog lets go, though it hurts. The dog had a bad-looking leg and a problem with one of its eyes. The dog actually looked kinda dead. I don't think she told me, but I realized that the dog had had a broken leg, and been taken to the vet, after which its eye problem happenned, and the vet was saying it needed surgery. The dad said "Well, there's surgery, then there's after-surgery, and [paraphrased] we'll be paying you for a lot of them if we keep this up. Let's just take him home." (why a broken leg required surgery in the first place, I don't know). The vet-thing was somewhat like remembering it, only I hadn't been there, and nobody had told me about it. Maybe she was in the room telling me about it then, and I just didn't see her, because I was imagining her story.. ..I think that's actually the way it was, because after the dog let go, I figured I'd go.
I wandered back to find her dad, and nearly walked into her sister's room. (a blonde, possibly linked to some memories). Oops. Back toward his office.. ..but, he'd been in the living room, and went into her room while I was headed for his office. I heard him talking to her, basicly asking "Are you interested in him?" I was going to mention my interest in her to him, but figured I'd wait and see whether she was interested in me, first. I viewed it as somewhat of a downer that he'd gone and asked her, because now he wouldn't really know that I would have been up front with him about it, if the interest was mutual. I knew she was somewhat interested, but wasn't certain, or certain of how interested. But, she had a major vendetta against her father. She could tell that he was kindof liking that she might be interested - that's why he asked. So she said, with much spite "*No." I'm *not." And you know what? *He* was just showing *Me* much bust respect *okeay?!* *nyeah nyeah nyeah nyeah nyeah!*" And then she did the "Hmph" thing. I thought "Oh.. ..I didn't know she hated him that much.." and started to wake up, and consider going on live journal to post it so I'd remember it, and so she could see it. But, her presence (no longer in the structure of the previous dream) was all "Sh!" because dream-her didn't want awake-her to know. And I basicly said to dream-her "Why do you try to hide that?" because I knew it was futile to try to do that. ..and then I went onto LJ and posted this.

This is one of the few dreams I've had that has complex, visible, deeply linked psychological structure to it, all in a form that's.. ..well, representative, or symbolic. Usually, my dreams involving my psychology have been directly about my mind and heart, and there would be issues addressed in them. Other dreams were just random chaos, or dealt only with a small region of my thought processes (like, survival instinct, usually). I'm glad I'm moving into the unavoidable realm of structure and symbol, though I want to retain the cohesive knowledgebase I've gathered.. Feh. This probably doesn't make sense to most. So it goes. But, as a soul, there is no abstracting your body. Even as a soul, survival is the foundation you must live with, and as a body, or a body-level consciousness, the information you retain must be pertinant to that survival, even if your actions and thoughts infer a larger or higher meaning. When there is no tome to think about meaning, and survival is in question, the meaning goes out the door, and the soul infuses the body with purpose. But the understanding from self-reflection and the instinct for survival must eventually meet, and form life into a functional work of art.

-b

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Friday, January 16th, 2004
7:09 pm
Tonight is denniez night. Why? Because it's friday, and friday was the arbitrarily-assigned night for Denniez.

So. About emotional blankness.

Emotional blankness has been something I often tried to avoid. Now, not so much, as it seems to me that that actually *is* the emotional content of some moments, and that, without those, other, more or less enjoyable emotions, wouldn't come about. I generally consider most emotions enjoyable, except, perhaps, feelings of obligation or fear, which are, for me at this point, rarely enjoyable. I'm working on those - both are tied into power-based thought, which is tied into programming and biology, and my understanding/perception is just not that all-expansive yet. Punks.

Another thing - ultimately, I simply won't be able to understand everything, no matter how deep and inhuman or superhuman my levels of understanding become. Biology and programmatical thought always, for reasons I don't really care to spend the effort(?)/time thinking about right now, always manage to surprise the understanding. Feh. Stuff seems so tenuous sometimes. 'course, there's always other stuff.

-b

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Thursday, January 15th, 2004
10:57 pm - New LJ
So. At the behest of Kest, I have gotten myself a live journal, much to the detriment of all who are sucked into my idle or not-so-idle thoughts. ..not that I have any now.

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